Welp! Here it is, I guess…

Okay. Um. Hi. Hello. I guess this is my blog. Or something.

Look, there have been so many platforms and creative fiction projects I’ve attempted where I’ve wanted to share my all of my ideas and thoughts and things. If you’ve followed me on any of those said platforms before, you might know that I will occasionally refer to my IdeaThoughtThings (sometimes with a hashtag (#) cuz that’s how we do it these days) as “ADHD[Redacted]BrainThoughts,” or even just to my “ADHD[Redacted]Brain,” where those IdeaThoughtThings originate. Due to my ADHD – Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder – my brain is pretty much always working at twice the speed as the rest of my body. This makes it difficult for me to express myself adequately, as my brain is usually two or three steps ahead of any way I am able to express my IdeaThoughtThings. This can make me either miss or gloss over something, which can then end up confusing people or not coming across the way I am trying to convey the IdeaThoughtThings. The [Redacted] part is actually something that I would like to explain in a separate post, but for the moment just know that it is something that I kind of still identify with, being the giant huge supernerd that I am that is chronically (over)thinking about random AF things. I am not going to remove it from my strange label as it is different from and functions differently than the ADHD part, in my opinion. Its not really something that I want to discuss or promote all that much on this blog, which is why I have redacted it, even though I think it encapsulates who I am as a person. Now that I think about it, I actually take a bit of pride in redacting it, but, again, that’s for another post that I will get to in the future.

As I previously mentioned, I’ve wanted to get the IdeaThoughtThings from my brain out there onto all types of platforms, but due to both the ADHD and anxiety that usually goes along with it, most of the platforms are not the most friendly for someone like me. I’ve tried writing articles for the Mary Sue website, but before I’ve even finished zero drafting them, it seemed as if enough time passed that they weren’t even relevant anymore, which was a huge demotivator. Not to mention I would also have had to go through the process of submitting them to someone through the website, then have them look it over and approve of it, as well, which would take even LONGER, and therefore the article would be even MORE irrelevant and not worth people’s time and energy. So I abandoned those and they never really got done.

I’ve tried the YouTube thing so many times over so many years. And, Oy Gevault, the YouTube thing is probably the least accessible to me. There are many things that I did – and still kinda do, to be honest – like about that platform and being a part of it, but it takes a lot of time, effort and executive function that I don’t always have to constantly make videos. I need to script, set up properly to film, film, import the footage, edit it all together to make it even the tiniest bit entertaining and watchable for viewers, etc. etc. etc. Not to mention it’s super important to close caption the videos. Now, I believe that process has gotten easier since I last posted a YouTube video, but captioning alone also takes up a lot of time and executive function that I don’t really have. There are just way too many steps, and way too many steps WITHIN those steps, to making YouTube videos and being a regular Youtuber for me. Essentially, I short circuit with the all the steps and information moving too quickly within its neural pathways, and then I just cannot. I crash or shut down or what have you, and then just go scroll on Twitter cuz brainfailure.

I’ve thought about doing real long Twitter threads, with videos to go along with them, to get more out there, while actually having my face and voice attached. Twitter, however, being the limiting platform that it is with characters, as well as time for videos, is not quite sufficient enough, especially with all the thoughts going in my brain so quickly and in a discombobulated fashion. I need more time to organize all my thoughts together constructively and properly weave them together if they are to make any sort of sense whatsoever to anyone that isn’t my own brain. Also, ya know, its Twitter, where nuance goes to die and people only read the first post in the thread, interpret it however they see fit, and then feel the need to dogpile on the person for Doing or Saying Some Shit, regardless of knowing the full context and/or tone of the post; for instance, if something is sarcastic, satirical, or overly exaggerated, those things don’t often translate very well over Twitter, due to its limitations of text and not being able to REALLY convey that “this is a joke” without labeling it so.

It’s kinda the same thing with TikTok, as well. TikTok is short and sweet and much more accessible to me than YouTube will ever be, but that’s also the problem. Its too short to convey the entirety of my IdeaThoughtThings and just how messy they all come together in my brain. This is also particularly noticeable in my need to have a script-like guide to work from; I am truly terrible at improv, and filming quick fire, one minute max videos without a script would take up so much more time and brain circuitry. The captioning options on there are also…not that great, to put it lightly.

I thought about doing this sort of blogging as a podcast at first. I’m a weirdo in that when I was a student, I learned best by actually just going to class and paying attention to what the teacher was saying, as opposed to reading huge blocks of text in books that were so clinical and, frankly, very boring. I figured this could be more accessible to people if it was just my voice so they wouldn’t have to slog through paragraphs upon paragraphs of words that many a time people cannot retain very well. But figuring out how podcasts work? With audio software that I know jack about how to use? Getting equipment to even MAKE a podcast? And figuring out how all that shit works together? Yeah, no. The time and energy and executive function to do all that? Don’t think I’d be able to find that anywhere.

The long and short of it is, the other platforms that I’ve tried to use to get my IdeaThoughtThings out there is not the greatest for me. So now here I am, trying something else. While I still would like to try and figure out how to have an audio version, since I think it would be more accessible to people, as of right now I don’t know if I’d have the brain function to try and figure out how to work the audio software I already have and attach the file to the blog post.

The other thing that’s always gotten to me with my executively dysfunctional, short circuiting brain is feeling like I am unable to follow through on anything in my life, and therefore being really upset and frustrated at myself. Exhibits A through infinity, the many platforms I’ve tried and seemingly have left, and also the many fictional media writing type projects I’ve begun and have yet to finish, or even work on for months. I have talked to my therapist about this, and the beautiful human being that she is suggested that I talk about it in this introductory post as a sort of notation and accountability-type thing to help me with being able to follow through on not just this, but on many other projects as well. Kinda like saying “Okay, this is a first(ish) step to try and negate these thoughts that you have about yourself with being unable to follow through on anything and feeling like you’ve failed on all platforms and accounts.”

Of course, logically and objectively speaking, she is correct. The fact that just because I haven’t updated most of my other projects in so long does not mean that I can no longer go back to them, continue to update, and follow through with them. And I forget this a lot. It’s the chronic, all or nothing, black and white perfectionist thinking that I also have going full speed ahead getting in the way. It makes me feel like since I haven’t been on a certain platform, or updated a certain project, in so long, it must mean that there’s no longer time for it, or that I should just give up on it because I don’t even know where to go or what to do with it anymore. It’s either no longer relevant, or its too complex, time consuming, and whatever else my overly anxious brain concocts to convince me that I can’t and/or shouldn’t follow through on anything.

Now, I would like to continue to post on TikTok. I probably will should I decide that there is a post that’s fun, short, and quick enough for that platform. And also to talk about this blog, I guess, cuz, ya know, shameless promo is where its at. I’m also the most active on Twitter so I will continue to be there, as well, as that’s where most of y’all are, and that’s where I get out most of my stuff for y’all to see.

So anyway, with all that said, I guess here it is! My blog! Me, trying to Do The Thing and follow through on getting my IdeaThoughtThings out there on a platform that’s easier for me to use!

Hey y’all. What’s up? How are you? Most of y’all know me as Mackenzie Brynn Rap. Call me Max, preferably, but Mack is also fine. I’m a transmasc bisexual oldie on the internet. I use they/them/their(s) pronouns. I love fictional media, creating fictional media, language things, music things, social justicey human rights activism type things, and defying most social norms in every way possible since basically they are all made up and we don’t have to live by them and we can change them so that people actually benefit and can be happy and stuff or whatever. Those are the things that I think about all the time, and the IdeaThoughtThings that come from them are chronically a clusterfuck of unconnected chain links that I have been wanting to connect for WAY too long. I have ADHD[Redacted]BrainThoughts that come from an ADHD[Redacted]Brain, and this blog is where I can collect, organize, weave together and launch said thoughts out into the ether so they don’t have to loiter in my brain anymore as deconstructed entrees.

Oh, and you don’t have to care, by the way. This is mostly for me. But, if you do care, or are at least mildly interested and want to spend some time here, then welcome to my ADHD[Redacted]BrainThoughts blog page. Hope you enjoy yourself and that you at least get a little something out of being here!

Peace out for now!

~Mackenzie Brynn Rap