OMG this title is so flipping boring but here we go here it is: “Nuances in Precision and Technicalities of Language”

CW: mild ableist language, brief mentions of racism

For those of you that don’t know, I majored in linguistics when I was in college. In fact, I was one of the first graduates of the linguistics department at my university. It was a very new, very baby program, and I LOVED it so much! However, because it was so new, that meant there were classes and lectures I didn’t get to learn from since the curriculum hadn’t been completely developed at the time. One of those classes that I would have LOVED to take was a semantics class. Semantics is all about studying the meaning of words, and this is something that is not only fascinating, but also INCREDIBLY important to me. 

Most people would probably consider me to be “splitting hairs” when I get into the nitty gritty of words and their exact definitions, and I don’t disagree. But even still, to me words have meanings that are VERY particular, concise, and specific. Possibly too much so. It reminds me of when I was a young human and my parents would refer to me as the “correctional officer” because I would nitpick the things they said so that it would mean 100% exactly to what was being referred. 

Now, I have several reasons for why I believe I’m like this: First of all, as you know, I am a neurodivergent human with ADHD[Redacted]Brain. My brain doesn’t always connect words and meanings the same way that other peoples’ do, and that can sometimes cause miscommunication, confusion, and/or frustration. I’ll interpret something in a very specific, precise way, when the other party means something either entirely different or just more broad, like an umbrella definition of something or other. I mentioned the all-or-nothing perfectionist ways of thinking that goes on in my head in my first blog post, and I think the neurodivergence is a HUGE contributing factor in me and my desire to understand and comprehend word meanings in the “all” manner of the “all-or-nothing” mindset.  

Another reason that I believe contributes to this is, oddly enough, being raised by, and also working for, an attorney. Now, the legal system (at least in America) is VERY technical with how things operate. I remember being told when I was much younger that if there is a SINGLE word that is misused, defined incorrectly, or even left out, it can make or break your whole case, JUST ON THAT TECHNICALITY! (with the linguistic interpretation of the language from the people involved in the case, that is). It’s why there are so many legal loopholes in the system, and also why legal documents in general tend to be so dense and wordy. It’s another all-or-nothing perfectionist type thing that seems to rule the world. Ever since then, this way of thinking has essentially transferred over to EVERYTHING ELSE in my life. And when I say everything, I MEAN pretty much everything: my fiction work, my IRL employment, and even consuming media, or having conversations. 

With my fiction projects, in my mind, if I don’t describe the scene or the characters or whatever else in the story EXACTLY as it is in my head, and the person reading my work does not interpret it EXACTLY as I have attempted to describe it, then I have failed as a writer. The concern of people not picturing EXACTLY what’s going on in my mind when I use certain words and descriptions in attempt to convey the cinematic masterpiece in my brain is a HUGE reason as to why I have never completed a full manuscript of a novel, or even submitted much work for publications or contests.

The problem that comes forth in IRL work situations generally stems from the anxiety of me looking “stupid” (which is a WHOLE OTHER blog post in and of itself). I’ve been at my IRL employment place for a while, and so I’ve come to the thought process that I would not want to waste anyone’s time by asking questions or for clarifications that I 1) could deduce myself based on previous knowledge and experiences, or 2) might and/or SHOULD already know the answer to but have forgotten for whatever reason. 

And then, of course, there are the problems that come with conversations and general interactions while socializing. While in these instances I do have that fear of looking “stupid” and therefore not asking for certain clarifications or definitions, I also fear that I will look like a pompous asshole doing the “-Well, ACTUALLY” thing. This comes in particular when watching YouTube videos or having “discussions” on Twitter and other forms of social media. 

On occasion, I will sometimes get IRRATIONALLY frustrated when people use words that don’t mean what they (or I) understand them to mean. Now theoretically, I COULD leave comments asking for a more clear explanation, but again, to me it would still feel like I’m “correcting” the person and being a pretentious dickhead, which would of course lead to Much Fun(™) in comments sections and my mentions. 

This is another reason why I didn’t want to do these posts on Twitter through really long threads. It’s why a lot of Discourse(™) happens there; people interpret and define words in different ways, sometimes even wilfully (which is EVEN ANOTHER separate post I’ve wanted to do), and with the limited number of characters there’s only so much one can say, even with a long thread of tweets. And even if someone DID somehow manage to get everything they wanted to say in a thread, posts like that are usually in-the-moment, impulsive and unedited, which is, again, where misinterpretations as well as misuse of language and definitions can arise.  

Now, I won’t lie, the wanting-to-feel-smarter thing IS partially how it was with the “correctional officer” thing when I was much younger (which is WHOLE OTHER blog post related). However, nowadays it’s much more about wanting to make sure everyone is on the same page and all caught up with each other, as opposed to wanting/having a superiority complex over someone else. All of this, of course, relates back to a conversation (or multiple, rather, lol) I had with my therapist, in which we discussed my fear of being misunderstood, and of problems that can arise from not being understood perfectly. I just want everyone to understand all of the things comprehensively. 

However, the meanings of words change all the time, even dictionary ones… (@ people who DO do the “-Well, ACTUALLY” thing in regards to dictionary definitions, (including me sometimes ngl lol)). 

There’s a Tumblr post from a long time ago that clicked some of the links together in my head and really stuck with me about dictionary definitions. It was a captioned gif set of a young black woman (which I CANNOT for the life of me find anywhere and I don’t remember her name, I’m so sorry!), and in it she’s discussing the actual, more nuanced definition of racism. 

Basically, what she was explaining in those gifs was that the dictionary definition of “racism” is VERY two-dimensional and white-washed. It doesn’t take into consideration the history and power dynamics interwoven by white supremacy, how it created structuralized and systemic racism, and how that has affected literally everything ever. She mentioned how as white folk don’t have the hundreds of years of racist and anti-Black history that have led to the oppressive everything that non-white folk endure, white people will never TRULY experience racism. Seeing, reading and understanding that Tumblr post really was a light bulb, epiphany moment for me and changed my perspective on definitions like that, among other such things, as well. 

Regardless, despite learning and understanding that nothing, including language meanings, is concrete, that is how my brain processes and interprets information. There is no particular one, all-purpose answer, label or definition to anything, and this is why the world is not completely accessible to me and my neurodivergent ass. I need definitive, complete, all-encapsulating answers to my questions and IdeaThoughtThings, otherwise I am just the most frustrated, confused bean that feels like I’m a complete dumbass because I’m missing something. 

But while my brain needs all of the definitive information ever in order to make sense of things, the rest of the world isn’t actually like that. Not everyone sees and/or understands the world in the precise and nitpick way that I do. It’s this very strange and unfortunate contradiction within my ADHD[Redacted] Brain, because there’s SO MUCH MORE nuance and fluidity to everything and I REALIZE that. NOTHING is 100% perfection or stagnant, ever. EVERYTHING is on some sort of spectrum. I know this. I GET this, especially with being a nonbinary queer human, but my brain doesn’t or can’t always make the connections that neurotypicals do, so that link in my brain is attached very differently.

THIS, of course, is all why I wanted to take a semantics class when I was in university. I really do enjoy learning things, and I surmised that learning about semantics would help me to understand HOW words come to mean certain things, HOW those meanings evolve, and HOW to distinguish, differentiate, and even consolidate those meanings in all of their nuance to make them comprehensible to everybody. Essentially, I wanted a precise, perfect understanding of nuance in definitions – which must be an oxymoron or paradox or something, but it also sounds exactly like me and my brain. In the words of the wonderful Conscious Lee from TikTok, “Education is Elevation.” I figured with a greater knowledge of semantics, it could help me piece together and manage my all-or-nothing perfectionist mindset when it comes to language, words and their meanings.

With all that said, regardless of the nuance of semantics and exact meanings of words, this will be a pattern. A recurring theme, if you will, that you will notice in my posts: VERY precise language, and their definitions, even though language, and the world in general, is constantly changing. While I understand that it may seem like I’m doing the “-Well, ACTUALLY” thing and trying to sound like a pretentious dude bro, it’s not really about wanting to feel “smarter,” “more edjumacated,” or superior to other people. (At least not so much anymore – it is still something I’m working on). Now it stems more from the neurodivergent symptoms that I have in regards to understanding language, meanings, and other such concepts in a way neurotypical folk do not. 

Along with THAT, I just want to be understood 100% by everybody ever, even though that is also not possible since nobody and nothing is perfection. Not to mention, there are people who don’t even WANT to put in the effort to understand, which, once again, is a whole other thing, and also something that I need to remember going forward with these posts. 

Well, I think that’s enough of my rambly thoughts and explanations for the preciseness of language in my posts. Just wanted to get that out of the way for anyone that might catch on to that and wanted to know why. 

Thank you for listening and being here and all that jazz! I hope you enjoyed yourself and/or got something out of this mess, and I release you to go about your day with good thoughts and vibes and things! Love to you! ❤

~Mackenzie Brynn Rap