So I’ve Been Queer for Half of My Life Now!

CW: brief mentions of lateral misogyny, internalized biphobia, homophobia, racism and depersonalization 

Welp, it’s February 14th, 2021, which means one thing and one thing ONLY: 

Its my Coming Out-iversary, and I have now officially known that I’m queer for HALF MY LIFE!

Yep. That’s right; I definitively realized I was Not Straight on February 14th, 2006, 15 years ago, as a 15-year-old sophomore in high school. 

Now, I had been intrigued by queer things before that, but I thought it had more to do with me wanting to be an “edgy,” “rebellious,” “not-like-other-girls” outcast in a town that was full of (wealthy) conservative Christian Republicans (***). I followed a bunch of pro same-sex marriage Facebook groups (remember those?!) because I wanted my classmates to know that I didn’t think like them and that made me better and cooler. I on occasion would say that I thought certain women were hot because I wanted to sound like I was being “open minded.” I cut out an article from the school paper, written anonymously from someone who was gay and closeted and TERRIFIED, and pinned it to a corkboard on my bedroom wall because I was sympathetic and felt for them. I read and enjoyed my friend’s KP/Shego fanfic because she was (and still is, by the way) an INCREDIBLE writer (she is also queer, btw, but she did not know at the time, either).

***(ADHD[Redacted]Brain Side Thought: And while technically I AM “Not-Like-Other-Girls,” – in the sense that I am NOT a girl and am, in fact, a transmasculine enby – I was one of THOSE people back in the day who fell into the lateral misogyny is “cool” thought process and wanted to go against the grain of being “normal” and “conventional” by shitting on mainstream, “traditional” (and “girly”) things.)

But I wasn’t gay, just very supportive and liberal and shit. 

But then a {different} friend of mine came out as bisexual at lunch one day earlier in our sophomore year, and not even a second later, the thought “I think I am, too,” washed over me. I was very much NOT expecting that to come over me. See, over a year before, someone had told me the lyrics “any way the wind blows, doesn’t really matter to me” from Bohemian Rhapsody meant Freddie Mercury was bisexual; and at the time, I thought that was the most disgusting thing I’d ever heard in my life. Therefore, me suddenly thinking I might ALSO be bisexual was…a bit jarring; but there it was, the questioning seed had so planted itself in my brainwaves. However, I wasn’t really thinking about dating or crushes or anything like that since I didn’t actually WANT to date anyone, particularly in my hometown. I was much more interested in other things, like writing and my crime show hyperfixations…and writing fanfic/spec scripts of my crime show hyperfixations.

And then came Valentine’s Day, February 14, 2006. It was 5th period: Wind Ensemble, band rehearsal. There was a girl in my section who I liked and admired a lot. She was very smart and VERY talented, a technically FANTASTIC musician. I was weirdly drawn to her in a way that I wasn’t with other people. I REALLY wanted to get to know her, be her friend, and hang out with her all the time, but I was a very quiet, anxiety-ridden human – a wallflower, if you will – and didn’t talk to many people in general, so I didn’t talk to her all that much. 

She was giving out Valentines to people, but because we weren’t really friends and didn’t talk that much, I wasn’t really expecting one. But then, lo and behold, she did give me one! I realized she probably only had one for me just because we were in the same section and played the same instrument. Even still, she didn’t HAVE to have one for me, but she did anyway and that made me SO HAPPY! Stomach fluttering, BIG smile, very grateful “Aww, thank you so much!”, VERY excited happiness! 

After our brief interaction, I started thinking once again about how my feelings for her were very different from other people; I probably wouldn’t be as happy or excited if I’d gotten a valentine from a friend, and I’ve never had those anxious, fluttery, butterfly-type feelings that I always got when I was around her when I was with my friends, so what even in the heck WAS that? 

Three epiphanic thoughts then steamrolled over my entire being all at once not necessarily in this order: 1) I have a CRUSH on her. 2) I AM bisexual. And 3) Oh, SHIT!

And THAT was how I came out to myself. 

(ADHD[Redacted]Brain Side Thought: By the way, if you’re who I’m talking about and you know who you are, IDK if you’ve found this and/or read this, but in case you have: Hey! What’s up how you doing I hope you’re well! Also, did you know????)

Here we are now in 2021, 15 years later. I am an Old Gay(™), now, (well, mostly in the internet world, really) at 30 years old. 

I’ve been thinking about this day for YEARS, and wanted to do something to commemorate this HUGE MILESTONE of officially knowing that I’m queer for HALF MY WHOLE LIFE – make a YouTube video, or have some sort of gathering-type thing to celebrate (lol thanks COVID). So, here is this blog post, marking this incredibly important day in my life that I’ve thought way too much about for the past several years.

I see how much has evolved for me and my queer fam over the years, and it’s honestly so freaking weird. Kind of BIZARRE, in a way, to see progress for queer liberation and having things that I wouldn’t even have THOUGHT about having as a queer person all those years ago. 

Not weird or bizarre in a bad way. Not at all! In fact, it’s incredible! WONDERFUL! I just imagine that this is a little bit what depersonalization feels like; even though I am a part of this world and the queer community, and things are improving for my community, it doesn’t really feel like it’s happening TO me, or like it’s actually a part of my life. It’s just kinda surreal. 

When this all started for me, George Bush was still president. Youtube barely existed. Twitter DIDN’T exist (and honestly, thank god for that, cuz HO BOI!!!). EVERYONE would very casually throw out the f-slur from their mouths as if it wasn’t a slur at all; everyone from my classmates to stand-up comedians. Hell, there was even a stand-up comedian who had a whole bit about how the f-slur wasn’t actually what it was, a homophobic slur, therefore saying it is totally fine. Or everyone would just say “that’s so gay!” when they didn’t like something (do people still do that? I don’t even know). I spent most of my time online because, oddly enough, THAT was the only place where I could find queer stories that weren’t ONLY erotic adult romance or nonfiction, and ALL I wanted was a gay version of Bones or Castle (still kinda do, to be honest, even though, ya know, copaganda). 

But it’s been 15 years now. Glee happened, which, despite the plethora of its problems, was HUGE as it was maybe the first MAJOR primetime tv series that showed stories of all types of queer teens that were about more than just coming out, having sex (especially in problematic age gap relationships) or being closeted and miserable. That was helped a lot by social media and YouTube, where, even today with as much as its grown, that’s the ONLY place where some queer folk feel safe to be themselves and engage with queer media, despite how freaking toxic the internet can be. And with the growth of that also came more visibility in general, which, of course, normalized queerness a lot more in people’s lives and made it a little less uncomfy and taboo for the outside world. 

Like, it took a WHOLE goddamn while, but queer marriages are now recognized by most, if not ALL, Western countries (forgive my ignorance if I am forgetting some, or even ones that are NOT Western). Now there’s queer characters in books, movies, tv shows, and video games that aren’t ONLY about them being queer. My fellow trans and nonbinary folk are becoming more normalized and visible. Heck, there’s a TRANS GUY on RuPaul’s Drag Race this season! There are queer and nonbinary characters on CARTOONS! GEARED TOWARDS YOUNGER AUDIENCES! There was a video from Brazil on Twitter of a girl who seemed pretty young excitedly reacting to the Catradora “I love you”’s and kiss!  

I’ve seen videos of younger queer people asking their partners to prom and kissing them in front of a bunch people at school. There was one video of a trans guy on his 18th birthday being surprised by his choir mates who pitched in to help him be able to legally change his name now that he’s an adult.    

Even very recently I’ve seen queer-coded people and couples in commercials and have thought, “Whoa, I would NEVER have seen that when I was a kid, this is SO WEIRD!” Like, remember pretty recently within the last few years or so there was a Cheerios commercial with an interracial family and people lost their shit?! Yeah, THAT’S why it’s still mind-boggling to me that I’m seeing queer people in commercials! (And also that I haven’t/hadn’t heard any backlash about it? Or perhaps I just missed it?! Maybe. Probably. I don’t know.) 

Regardless, my point is…I didn’t HAVE any of this when I was a young closeted teen figuring myself out, and seeing younger people, young queer kids and teens, get to have all of this now just is so INCREDIBLE! AMAZING! BEAUTIFUL! I recently watched that interview of JoJo Siwa on Jimmy Fallon where she talked about how even if there’s 1 million people who don’t like you coming out/being gay, there’s 100 million people who do. She spoke about how happy she is now that she came out and how she and her girlfriend are always talking on Facetime and it was just SO FREAKING CUTE! 

Back in my day (lol old fart that I am), it would not have been like that. It’d probably have been the reverse. But it is this way now (for the most part), and seeing her smile like that and seeing other young queers being themselves is just SO FREAKING GREAT AND COOL I LOVE BABY GAYS SO MUCH I’M SO GLAD THEY CAN HAVE THIS NOW!!!

Of course, despite how much progress has been made over the past 15 years, there still needs a LOT of work to be done. There needs to be more inclusion and uplifting of QBIPOC voices. There needs to be more accessibility and representation of and for disabled queer folk. Cis queers need to be better about trans and intersex issues. Like desperately. We all need to listen to those activists and organizations more, promote their work and art and stories, as opposed to just spewing talking points that sound “woke” without actually doing any follow through; that’s performative, and performative activism is lazy and boring and won’t get anyone anywhere.    

There’s also so many queer folk in countries where queer representation is incredibly censored, or where being yourself, openly queer, is still punishable by imprisonment or death. And while it’s EXCELLENT to see the profound success of The Untamed, or that beautiful sapphic soulmate lipstick commercial, queer equality is not law of the land where those wonderful things are from. 

Now, yes, I realize I am a white USian, so me only saying that here is basically doing the thing that I just said was lazy, boring and unproductive, and not to mention also WAY THE FCK OUT OF MY LANE! So, if you are or know of a queer activist or organization from one of those countries that’s essentially fighting for the legality of queerness, or if you know of things that we can do from the outside (hopefully without getting you into legal trouble), please shout out about it in the comments or quote tweets or something along those lines so that (white) Westerners know where to even begin when it comes to being there and helping our non Western queer siblings.  

Well, and with all that, Happy Half-Of-My-Life Coming-Outiversary to me! It’s…been a LONG time. Things are very very different, for the community and myself as a person, and all for the better, for the most part. I continue to hope for and will try to help further progress for all queer folk in this world, in this lifetime, and even future lifetimes. Here’s to lookin’ at you, kids! I hope we can make things better for you. 

That’s it for now, love to you all!! ❤

~Mackenzie Brynn Rap